The Measure of a Life
by Borne316
Summary: In the shadow of the Degrassi school shooting, Toby struggles with the disturbances in his life, and embarks on a risky new path.
1. Chapter 1: Late Night Laments

It was a strange thing, death. He had contemplated it, thought about it, even talked about it. But like they always say, you never really get it until you experience it up close. He in the past though understanding that, made the same mistake that everyone did. He assumed that it wouldn't happen to him. It did.

It was a month since the "incident". That was the PC, soft term that the local community had decided to dub it. It made it easier for them to absorb it and disassociate themselves from it rather than actually face the problem. In reality it was an event, a supreme, divisive action that like it or not affected everyone. Him especially. Few admitted it of course. People had reached their "moving on" phase where they pretended where everything was great, and were, on the surface at least; back to their ways before the nasty "incident"

He was not above that. He had made it known to those around him that despite the loss of someone who was on his way to becoming a best friend, that he was all right. He laughs at the term as he is hard pressed to think of a time in the last few years in which he felt such a way. The past couple of weeks had simply proven to be the icing on the proverbial cake of denial. He was in no shape or form; okay, fine, all right, or any of the other non-committal phrases that people used to disguise their emotions.

It was of strange comfort to him then that his low-attention status was of benefit to him for once. Since not many paid particularly close attention to him, he was spared the awkward, useless support from those who could never understand what he was going through, but tried to convince him otherwise. This would be his cross to bear, and despite the longing for closeness and affection that he had often felt so many years, he preferred it that way.

Lying on the bed, Toby looked at the digital clock. The 4:17 character shined in the darkened room, the only source of light there. It was a sight he was used to seeing in this place. Since the shooting he had stayed a home most of the time when not at school. Unlike before, where his attention was focused on TV, Internet, video games and all the other mediums used to distract from life, he had spent these last weeks separated from all of that. Toby used the time to think, to wonder, and to remember.

He was used to fantasizing, going back to that summer after Emma and Sean first broke up and she chose to spend her time with someone to comfort her. A small smile appeared on his face as he recalled that incredible time. During those few months he envisioned Emma eventually realizing her feelings for him and them starting what would be a wonderful relationship.

The smile quickly faded as the cold, but real wall of reality hit. No feelings were ever realized. No joyous relationship was ever started. The summer ended and she eventually she went back to Sean as she always did. There was never a thank you on Emma's part to him for being there for her, not that getting one would really make a difference to him. The dream was long over. He didn't fantasize anymore.

What he had been doing now was pondering what might have been. Specifically what he could have done. Talking to Raditch, getting Rick some help, making a stand against Jay and the rest of them, even wrestling the gun from his insane friend's hand before fate decided for both of them. Those and hundreds of more scenarios had been going through his head ever since he saw the gun go off in Sean's hands. Regardless of what they were, they all ended with the same result; Rick living on.

Yet even that line of thinking did little to help him. Rick was dead. No amount of what-if thinking, as good hearted as it was, could bring him back. Toby was tired of thinking of the past, but thoughts about the future only depressed him. What was there? Another two and a half stuck at Degrassi, surrounded by people the likes of Spinner and Alex? Seeing JT, Emma, and Manny live there lives without him? No, he was stuck firmly in the present.

He stared up at the ceiling. How did things get like this? Was he not happy back in elementary school? Before Rick? Before the drama? Before _Degrassi_? Part of him was, he remembers, yet he knows that there was a side of him that had only truly felt alive until he had come to Degrassi. When his parents divorced and he came to meet JT, Manny, Emma, etc, he never thought they would mean as much as they did now.

They were the reasons he put up with all of the BS at school. Hell he had to be honest; they were why he still kept getting up every morning and going through the day. At least they were before the shooting. These days it was a constant battle just to justify leaving the house. At least there, all he was left to his pain and not the everyday crap he was dealing with before he even met Rick. The fact was there was very little motivation to go to Degrassi anymore.

But in spite of it all, there was one thing that kept him going. It was a bit silly of course. Of all the possible reasons to continue going on, it was flimsy and illogical. In fact if he had actually said it out loud he would scarcely believe that such a thing would be helping him. And yet it had been the sole reason that he hadn't stopped caring and simply quitting school entirely.

It was hope. Not a long term hope that things would turn out okay, or that after Degrassi his life would get better. Not a kind of optimism that keeps people happy and content. No all it was was a belief. A belief that tomorrow, regardless of what he had gone through before, or any other time in the past, would be a good day. He recalled what Mr. Simpson had once told him shortly after the teacher had learned he had cancer. Tomorrow would be another day.

Toby set the alarm for 6:30 and went back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2: Early Enough

The ride to school was particularly long that morning. Oh, not long in "real time" of course. But from his vantage point, the whole trip seemed to go on for a greater amount of time than any previous one ever had. Of course there was only one thing that could cause such a usually small period to change like that: parent questioning.

He gave Kate credit though, as a step mom she wasn't so bad. They had some natural stepparent/stepchild problems, but they were able to have a nice, if not somewhat distant relationship at times. Granted the last few months of her time seemed to be focused on either work or Ashley, specifically her relationship with Craig, but she had made an effort recently to reach out to him and talk to him regarding what happened with Rick and what he thought. That did mean a great deal to him, as it meant she cared. Most didn't.

Of course, Kate's opinions of Rick were well known to Toby. She had said to his dad, when she thought he wasn't around that his reentry into school was the biggest mistake Degrassi ever made, and that anyone could tell that he didn't belong amongst the students. It took him some time to get over that, largely because at times, he believed it himself. Toby knew that her feelings were most likely influenced by Ashley. She, like most, didn't see anything past Rick other than the psycho who hurt Terri and put Jimmy in a wheelchair. That second act hurt her especially, even if he knew Ashley would never admit it.

This morning however she seemed to be walking on eggshells, trying to think of questions that he would actually respond to, and not get upset at. It was the usual array of "how are you feeling?" and "are you okay" that in theory move the conversation forward even if they never do in practice. Toby, in no real mood to spill his guts on a short drive at 7:00 in the morning, said that he was doing all right. Part of him wanted to truly talk about it, but he couldn't envision a circumstance in which he would actually do it. With his real mother perhaps, but he hadn't see her since her brief visit two months ago to check if he was still alive or not after the shooting.

It was after that she asked if he had talked to Kendra. The name brought a mix of emotions to him. Toby was happy with her, or at least content. They're mix of interests and status as less than popular students seemed to make them the perfect couple. Yet he never thought of them that way, and he suspected she didn't either. In his harshest moods he tells himself that it was a relationship of convenience, simply two lonely people in a crowded school, who made the other feel a little less crowded. There was never any real love, and the attraction was vain, nothing more than an attempt to find someone like themselves to be with.

However there were other times in which he thought there was something more. Kendra was the one of the few girls that could make him laugh and he perhaps barring JT, he more fun with her than anyone. Unlike the times in when was around Emma, which were a constant attempt to put a front of toughness and cool, with Kendra he could be himself. That's what she preferred in fact. Even if it wasn't love it certainly was the closest thing he had to a romance. Most of the time he was able to forget about Emma and enjoy being with her, something he thought was at one time impossible.

In the end, though it was times in which he couldn't forget about Emma that doomed what they had. Toby always had the feeling Kendra knew that he had more than just a simple crush on her, even if he never talked about it. He did show restraint, his eye never wandered, but unfortunately hers did. During that last summer before this year, he was not blind to what she was looking at, specifically other boys around the town. If he were anyone else, he would have gotten angry at her, yelling about how if she was with him than she shouldn't be looking at other guys.

But he didn't. With his feelings toward Emma, while in a relationship with her, was she really so wrong for looking for other options? Toby never really could answer that question, and thus instead of the sudden, bursting break-up he quietly let things cool until just before the school year when she finally said that they would be better off as friends. He agreed, doing the best he could to block that part of his brain telling him he was throwing away the best thing he ever had. That part had still refused to go away.

He told Kate that he hadn't talked to her lately, but that if he had the chance he would. Yeah right. The two of them had barely exchanged words since the year started and dealing with her brother's cruel treatment of Rick and occasionally him hadn't helped matters. Even if he were to see her, Toby had little idea on what to say. Would he ask about how her brother had humiliated Rick during the "Whack Your Brain" competition? See what new boyfriend she had that no doubt made him look like crap? Wonder if she would be her friend as he was in short supply? There was nothing to be said.

The car finally pulled up to the school. The place just seemed to look a little more depressing that day. Maybe it was the sun, (or lack thereof) his glasses, or just some abstract quality he couldn't pinpoint, but he had a sense in his gut that Degrassi wasn't going to be a great place today. He gave a small smile. _Not that it is much anyway._ But he had to remember what he told himself last night. This was a new day, gut feeling or not, and who knew, maybe he could make his day better just through sheer effort.

He grabbed his backpack and opened the car door. Toby made one last look at Kate before she drove off.

"Goodbye, hope you have a nice day sweetie."

He made a deep sigh. "I will." He yelled, before turning around and walking towards the entrance.

"God willing anyway"


	3. Chapter 3: Friend Indeed

He had often wondered whether or not the mainstream, adult world truly realized how tough high school was. Granted he had seen/read about the "high school is hell" belief that is so often thrown around in popular culture, but that never seemed to be taken seriously. It was the of the same dismissive belief that said bullies could be stopped just by standing up to them, which he knew by experience was certainly not the case. Yes, the common view was that yeah high school was tough at times, but hey it's the best days of your life.

Best days of his life. Even as a sarcastic statement it didn't make him laugh.

As far as a day of his life, well this one had started out just like the rest. Dropping stuff at homeroom, and then walking around until class started. Of course one would ideally talk to someone while walking around, but these days he lacked such a luxury. If there was once an aversion to him due to his alleged geekiness and awkward standing it had since turned into an outright ignorance of his existence period. Toby had gone from nerd to nothing it seemed.

Many a time he had conjectured why the student populace had more or less turned from him. At first he assumed it was because due to his friendship with the now infamous psycho of Degrassi that he would follow suit and turn on them. Yet if that was the case, then where was the harassment from other students? Where were the whisperings of how the "geek boy" was going to go crazy? Where was the outright fear that he would snap like they believed Rick did?

The plain fact was that none of those existed. It took him a great deal of time to put the pieces together, but he eventually succeeded. It wasn't that the students feared him. They didn't understand him. For many it was beyond their reasoning to figure out how he, someone who nerdiness or not had never hurt any other student, hung out with a person who put a girl in a coma and later put a boy in a wheelchair. Rick was someone to be despised, not befriended, and anyone who would violate such a rule was going to be treated as an anomaly, and not even to be recognized as a person worthy of even acknowledgement.

Such a thing should not have been so bad, Toby reasoned. After all if Rick had been ignored then he wouldn't have snapped and he would still have a brother in the fraternity of unpopularity. This was a situation that by all rights could be salvaged. No bullying, no name calling by jocks, no jokes played at his expense at lunch, not even the taunts by the likes of Spinner or Jay. It was a fairly trouble free existence.

The fact that those were all hypothetically true didn't stop him from feeling so fucking empty when he walked through the halls. For all of the bullshit he had dealt with by other students, things done to make him feel bad and others feel better; he would gladly trade that for what he had now. For even if students did insult and hurt him, it at least it meant they actually cared enough to try it. He may have been considered a lesser person, but damn it he was still a person. He might as well be a ghost now, with how much difference he makes in people's lives.

They are thoughts that he usually tries to bury under his optimism and trivial plans he has for the future, but there is something in him today that he can't quite get rid of. Something he became conscious of earlier today after the run in he had earlier today. Oh how that had been something that was becoming way too familiar. He had been on a computer putting some things away when his JT and the nuisance (Also known as Danny) came walking by.

Both he and his old friend had been in the midst of truce lately. Though no longer friends (the best he could tell anyway) the two of them had made an effort not to antagonize each other as there was an unsaid agreement that doing so really had no point. Toby had not forgotten how he had shown up at Rick's funeral, which he was glad to see as it at least it helped the illusion for Rick's mom that contrary to fact Rick had friends at Degrassi. Based on the looks Manny and JT gave each other he suspected that she may have guilted him somewhat, but regardless it was a big thing for him to do.

Hence he was surprised when Danny made an insulting (if not poorly witted) comment towards him.

"Hey Issacs, keep working on those computers, you'll make Pathetic Nerd Monthly soon enough."

Granted it was one of the stupider insults he had ever heard, and he was more mystified that someone used his last name than offended at the comment, but it was still an insult nonetheless. He turned around and looked at the two of them. Danny was still laughing, acting as if he hade made the greatest joke ever heard. But it was JT he was looking at. Waiting for him to honor the truce and tell Danny that they should leave, lead by example and just walk away from him, or maybe even goes as far as defend his old camp mate.

JT pauses for just a second, but that's enough for Toby to see something in his eyes. Sees that hint of memory, when they were seemingly inseparable. Knows that JT is envisioning time in which the two looked out for each other, no matter how foolish they could act. It is a small window of time, and just a simple look into his pupils, but he knows that JT remembers.

"Are you kidding, is probably made the cover ten times already." JT said before walking off with Danny chuckling about it.

Toby made a small shake of his head. Yes he remembered, but it wasn't enough.


	4. Chapter 4: Worse for Some

There was once a time in his life in which the days blurred together. Whether it was from effort or just the way his life was, he didn't know. Memories of even 7th or 8th grade days were already were already difficult to remember exactly. Certain moments with JT, Manny, Ashley, Emma (especially with her) he could recall with the greatest of ease, but overall much of it seemed to be one big event.

He lacked such fortune today. It seemed that the morning talk with Kate had been the precedent. Seemingly everything was dragging. Classes, breaks between them, even lunch. Though when was only eating with Nadia, (with Emma and Manny busy with Darcy and Chante, and JT and Liberty doing their usual cutesy relationship meal) things will tend to go a little slow anyway. History class, as he was now in would prove to be no exception. He stared at the clock, waiting for it to reach 1:00 as the teacher went on about the importance of the Roman-Greek wars. He had little guilt about not paying attention as he had already read the chapter out of boredom anyway.

The bell finally rang, as Toby quickly grabbed his materials and walked out. A small sigh let out of his lips as he entered the hallway. Wasn't the best place to be, but still better than class. At least out here he could ignore everything a little easier. He was on his usual route, when he turned a hallway and stopped. There in front of him, not more than twenty feet away, was _him_, dressed in that now all too familiar baseball cap, which Toby had grown to bristle at the sight of. Spinner was with him; his status the other partner in crime was apparently one Spin wasn't quite ready to part with.

Jay, on this particular day was standing over another student by the name of Paul Keen. Toby didn't actually know him, nor knew really anything about him, other than all the short jokes made at his expense. Jay himself had made more than one of them. Paul really never had been picked on all that much, at least not in Toby's recollection. Occasional mockery, but otherwise he had been fairly safe from it. _Unlike others… _Toby thought to himself.

It seemed that Paul wasn't going to get a free pass today. He was on his hands and knees trying to grab his books and papers, with Jay standing over him making his usual comments.

"Keen, this would be whole lot easier if you would have just kept your mouth shut and just kept on walking. So I bumped into you, get over it, loser. Now what do you say?"

Paul had finally gotten all of his materials and was standing. He looked Jay in the eye, looking angrier (well as angry as Toby had ever seen him) than ever. He turned to walk away, but Jay quickly grabbed him and turned him around. He got in close and knocked the books out of his hands. "What the fuck do you say?"

Toby walked closer. Keen was looking down. Whatever fight he had, it was gone from him as fast schoolwork was. "I'm sorry I was a …" He bit his lower lip hard. "Jackass."

Jay did a sarcastic pat on Paul's shoulder. "Nicely done." He turned to Spinner. "Hey Spin, think I could make him do tricks?"

Spinner, for his part look fairly uninterested in Jay's questions. "I don't really care."

Jay turned back to Paul, still looking down. "Yeah Spin's right, your ass isn't worth the effort." He picked up one of the books off the floor and dropped it back down. "Don't forget that one." He snorted before he and Spinner walked off.

Toby could only stare as the two walked past him. Paul was on his hands and knees again picking up his stuff. His lip was quivering a tad, his hands nearly shaking. Everyone brushed aside him, a few giving him an amused look before going on. Finally, once he had everything he slowly started walking in the opposite direction.

Jay's particular kind of abuse Toby was almost used to. It sucked to watch, sure, but at least he was familiar to it. The fact that others, the people who were crying and trying to be better to each other immediately after the shooting, were now heartless bastards, even that he could comprehend. He knew that regardless certain things weren't going to change.

What was stinging him right now, however was that there should have been at least one thing that should have changed: The administration. The teachers and those in power simply pleading ignorance in regards to Rick, even though it was damned obvious to anyone who paid attention that no one was accepting him, was one thing. They had their biases against him and his history, and they didn't know what the consequences were going to be.

But something like this, less than half a year after one teenager's dead body and another's crippled form both lay on the floor, was fucking unacceptable. Too much had happened for this godforsaken place to go back to the way it was. Simply put, crap like this just shouldn't be happening. He could only ponder to himself. _Good god, doesn't anyone care about what was happening in this place anymore?_

He ran up to him. Paul needed somebody, even if it was a nerdish, frightened person like himself. "Hey, can I talk to you about something?"

Keen stopped, and let out a long sigh before turning his head around. His eyes were red, but there were no tears, as if he had needed to weep, but some proud part of him just wouldn't let him. His shoulders were slumped, expecting another happy high school moment like the one he had just experienced.

"What?" He said slowly, waiting for the inevitable joke/insult/laugh that he believed was coming.

Toby knew that the best thing to do would be comfort him or at least make a point that Jay was wrong for what he had done. Hell, just tell him that he wouldn't have to put up with that again. False hope was better than none and at least Paul would know he had an ally. Those were all what someone like him should have right now.

And yet he couldn't do any of those things. Just standing there, seeing his expression, one he had only seen on two other faces, Rick's … and the one in the mirror. Witnessing a person without even basic dignity, likely feeling worthless and weak. And most of all, hoping that they could just be someone else. He saw an individual who needed someone strong. Someone… who wasn't him.

"Nothing" he whispered.

That single half second where his and Paul's and his eyes met before the latter walked away would be longest period of time Toby had experienced all day.


	5. Chapter 5: A Shattered Thousand Words

Degrassi, as a school always came across as fairly unimpressive to him. The design itself, while no doubt better than those in poor sections in Canada and the States, was hardly the apex of architectural design and style. Seeing it so frequently of course over the last few years had also rendered what little initial impact it had the begin with, and the school, much like many of his classes was mundane and simply tiring to look at these days.

On this afternoon, however things were different. The abuse and subsequent humiliation of Paul Keen was not some particular incident he could bury like so many other moments he had witnessed at this wretched place. It was stuck within him now, and dealing with it in this mind was out of the question at this point. Nausea and near dizziness were his companions, accompanying him with every step towards the exit doors. He was hoping that once he got outside it would pass, but part of him suspected it would not.

It was during this last afternoon march through the high school that he would finally notice how different the school looked. While previously, the only impression coming through his glass frames was a familiar tediousness and apathy, now something far worse was dominating every stare, look, and glance he made. Disgust pervaded every square foot of the building now, as apparent on the walls as the banal posters supposedly promoting academic achievement were. There is no surface, no shape, and no pattern of Degrassi that did not make Toby ill.

A simple examination of the lockers is a painful keepsake of Rick's treatment and his own humiliation via a locker shove in at the hands of Jay and Spinner. Seeing the cafeteria in the distance brought up mental movie of Rick's status as a social pariah, something that he felt at times he was more than close to. And he needn't even turn his head in the direction of the hallways to recall the gun barrel that was not three feet away from his face a mere month ago. It all played simultaneously in his head, all of them as prominent and loud as they day they originally took place.

It is not the greatest relief when he gets outside, but it is enough for him. Toby breathed in and out, attempting to get airflow in his throat before the internal sickness could become rapidly external on the sidewalk. Making his way towards a bus was not even easy, but he did his best to simply focus on getting home and nothing else. He did not greet or say hello to anyone (not that he usually does anyway) and eventually plopped himself down on the nearest seat he can find.

The ride home would provide an end to his physical aliment, but Toby could no more escape his train of thought then he could escape the 40mph bus. Paul Keen followed him at first, refusing to yield and leave his mind, despite the number of times he closes his eyes. The image of him being treated as nothing, simple amusement at the hands of people like Jay, while he stood there and did nothing could not stop flashing. The moment repeated itself again and again, with Paul looking more abused with each new telling, and he as the weak bystander appearing more and more pathetic.

Tobias exited the bus in a daze, barely hearing the nice words of the driver, and not even acknowledging the roar of the vehicle as it speeds away. He briefly remembered that Ashley wouldn't be home for hours, not that it mattered. She was so caught up in her melodrama with Craig and was clinging to the popular status that she'd lost two years ago, that the two of them more resembled familiar acquaintances than stepsiblings. Probably for the best, though as he had figured she was never really thrilled about having a brother to begin with anyway.

Yet family matters are not what he wondered about as he walking through his door and up the stairs to his room. He was beyond the sickness, and even the pain. Finally making it to his room and sitting down at his bed, only numbness exists within him now. He was, despite everything he had experienced and seen on this day, still in the same fucking place he had been for the past couple of weeks. Nothing had changed for him or at Degrassi.

Hoping for rest and taking off his glasses, Toby was close his usual solution of laying down and forgetting about his troubles, but there was something that catches his attention a mere moment before closing his eyes. It was picture on his dresser, an old one no doubt of the 7th and 8th grade classes from a few years back. The sheer contrast in appearance from then to now is what he usually found interesting about the photo, but not this time. There was something in it, something that he had missed every time he had seen in before, but was sticking out to him now.

Everyone, though looking a tad awkward because it was middle school after all, looked fairly good, with once exception. Toby saw that Spinner, who had been standing above him in the photo, had his right hand in an L shape, with his left pointing down making a not-so subtle indication to any admirers of the picture that the geek with glasses was indeed a loser. His old self in the picture of course had no idea.

He did now. Toby had the picture in his hands, which were rapidly starting to shake. There were new rapid thoughts going in his head, quite different from the ones earlier in the day. _Why didn't anyone else near Spinner notice what he was doing? Why the hell didn't they even try to stop him? Why does he get a free pass anyway? _And yet it is the last question that grippes his mind like no other. _Why the fuck did the teachers let this picture go out when they knew that I looked like damned idiot? Why didn't they do anything?_

The shaking in his hands stopped then. He lifted it high in the air, with a deliberation and purpose he has not felt all day. For many years the picture had adorned his room, acting at what he thought was a nice memento of his youthful years. Toby had even gone as far as polishing the frame it was in to keep fairly clean. Such a photo had remained a prized item in his house.

With a great yell he threw it against the wall with all the force he possessed. The glass shattered and rained onto the floor. Any pieces bigger than miniscule were broken even more, as he stomped and booted every part of it he could find. He paid little head to possible glass cuts as he picks up the picture itself and tears every which part. The frame, already bent, was not spared, it ripped and angrily tossed about.

Toby was not finished. Each object he found was made into a victim. The bookcase, formerly an avenue of escape for him was thrown down quickly, much of it being destroyed by the fall or by the damage brought about by his stomps and poundings. Rows of awards and accomplishments, won over years get thrown to the floor and broken in half in mere seconds. The room now vibrated, either by movement, or by a fear that its owner had turned on it.

And through it all there is yelling. Not a frustrated scream, or some directed shout at a specific target, just a pure exclamation of rage and hatred at life and what it was. He was red all over, from head to toe, the veins in neck and hands more noticeable then they had ever been. Method remained with him though. His efforts weren't chaotic, merely unpredictable to an observer. Going through his body was a high few will experience. A sense of control, never before experienced, spread through his body; as if he had been amputated and was now able utilize his hands and feet again.

The destruction, which had gone by far too quickly, was now done. The room was beyond a mess with it hardly resembling what it had been, which is exactly what he wanted. He surveyed with a sense of curiosity wondering, what else he could have done. Toby knew he would have to clean it up and make it look halfway presentable before his Dad and Kate got home, but that mattered little. He had done what needed to be done, and nothing, not even the small bleeding and bruises he had on his hands could change that.

Before he walked out to clean up his hands he noticed the mirror in the corner, one of the few things that he hadn't hurt badly. He couldn't see himself perfectly with his current vision, so he grabbed his glasses which he had avoided damaging. He put them on, but when he saw his reflection, he knew something wasn't right. What he saw in the mirror wasn't any more right then the current state of Degrassi was. Both had to change.

Unlike his earlier efforts he smashed the glasses with a casual flair, though still forceful. Toby made one last look at the individual staring at him in the mirror. He was going to whisper, but this deserved a louder exclamation. _Tomorrow's another day all right. Because I'm to change it._


	6. Chapter 6: Newer Days

Relief was a state Toby Isaacs had not felt in some time. The release (as it was known to him now) the previous day had done something incredible not just to his mind, but to his very body. His arms and legs felt stronger. Much of his upper body had loosened. Even his posture seemed better. His sight had briefly concerned him, but a quick trip to pick up contacts at the drug store took care of that.

Once again, thankfully his new condition remained unnoticed by those around him. Dad and Kate briefly asked what happened to his glasses, but a simple deception about how his frames were beginning to crack, and that contact lenses would simply be a cheaper alternative proved to be enough explanation for them. As for Ashley, he doubted she would notice if he grew a foot taller, let alone a change in eyewear.

Convincing the parental units regarding what happened to his room proved to be a bit more difficult. Toby was forced to come up with elaborate nonsense about how he felt a rearrangement of his room furniture would be a nice change of pace. He had been slightly worried they would ask what happened to his awards and why many of his posters were off the wall, but ultimately they simply offered to lend him any help if he needed it.

There would have been a time in which Toby would have been disheartened that they weren't more noticeable about what was going on or concerned that something was wrong with him. Those days, however, were fading faster than his appreciation of Degrassi, not that he cared about either much anyway.

Of course it was best that they and Ashley remain in the dark about what was going on. They need not know what he would be doing or what he was now. They were happy people (at least with Ashley, he thought so) and they deserved not to be bogged down in his activities. This didn't need them, in fact in would likely hinder him if they were anyway.

He had come to an ultimate conclusion, one that was a long time coming. Degrassi High had become inherently corrupt and filled with far too much apathy regarding what was happening to its students. The likes of Jay and Spinner had been allowed to run rampant and the administration was too concerned with covering its own ass and looking good to the public to do anything. With Rick, the most guilty party in the school dead, no one bothered themselves with taking actions against anyone else who was in the wrong. No one, until now.

Letting his emotions out the previous day had allowed Toby tremendous mental focus, perhaps the best he'd had in years. He could truly see clearly, and it wasn't just the new contacts. What he wanted, nigh, needed to do, was now remarkable apparent to him. Since there was no one else in the high school was willing to do anything to stop the erosion going on it was up to him to step up and take a stand. He didn't care what it took nor how it would it affect him, academically, socially, or physically. Such things mattered little to him anymore.

Of course he knew the importance of treading carefully. The greatest thing to be kept in mind was that he could not give in to the rage. He had been a witness to Rick's trail of destruction and saw that it brought him only misery and an early grave. Violence and its effects merely turned men into monsters, and as he had known with the likes of Terri, innocents into victims. As liberating as the physicality he had experienced the day before, he knew that he could never be that angry again.

Indeed, if he were to give to his baser instincts he would simply be like Spinner and Jay, tyrants who allowed their status and presence to go to their heads, and hurt those who they felt worthy of their punishment. The very thought of resembling either one of them sickened him, and Toby told himself mentally yet again he needed to stay on a higher plane with intentions. Defending others and questioning the actions of the morally dubious was his goal, not revenge or blood lust.

Such ponderings were in his head as he stood in front of a weightlifting set. He had found a small local health club whose membership required an easy fee, one he easily paid with saved allowances. He ignored the odd looks some of the employees gave him when he asked to join, and was soon allowed access to the facilities including the unused weight room he was standing in now. The bench press in particular looked quite appealing and he soon decided he would start on it first.

Despite his adamant non-violent stance, Toby did know that being in solid physical shape would be vital to his plans. Beyond the confidence and appearance factor that it brought, simply defending himself was intricately linked to having a body that could pull it off. The people who would be clashing with were likely not to share his views on fighting. His thoughts briefly returned to when Spinner and Jay shoved him in a locker, all for the unforgivable crime of being Rick's friend. When he lay down on the bench and began lifting, two words flashed in his head.

_Never Again._


	7. Chapter 7: Shifts: Paradigm & Otherwise

External and physical matters didn't mean much to him anymore.

Toby washed his face thoroughly in front of the mirror. The perspiration had picked up a great deal in his jog/run to Degrassi, with his the beads of sweat almost going into his contacts. He was not breathing as hard, the regular pacing and constant drinks of water had helped a great deal there. With the school year still in the midst of a bitter winter, the weather outside was no picnic either, but there too he had prepared and gotten a hoody and pants combo that combated such conditions.

That wasn't really needed of course; his body heat had raised so much in his run that it fell more like a bright summer afternoon, than during a somewhat snowy morning. This was his fourth run this week, with another likely coming the next day. Of course the latter depended on how much gym time he would take up, as the balance between lifting weights and improving conditioning had gone back and forth.

Such an exercise heavy workload still didn't satisfy him yet. Looking into the mirror, he still saw a slightly pudgy face, albeit one that lacked the former glasses and now possessed a much shorter haircut. It seemed remarkable to him, that his physical goals had not yet matched his mental ones, but that was simply the way it was. If he continued to focus and not get distracted, the two would be one in the same soon enough.

Distractions were a slight concern these days. The overwhelming human disaster known as Craig Manning had proceeded to send both Kate, and Ashley into a dizzy, one that thankfully allowed him to get away from the latter's father's wedding. Not that he had anything against him or his sexual orientation but the whole affair had him longing to be back home and working on his exercises.

His thoughts briefly drifted to what he had heard about Manning. He had never been close to Craig, but he had always come across as a good guy. Ever since the shooting however, something seemed off about him. Not to the degree that Emma was these days, but still something definitely not right under the surface. Toby hardly considered himself the ultimate judge on human character, but having seen and dealt with Rick up close, something told him that something was bound to come out of Craig soon, and at the very least not good for Ashley.

But such ponderings about him soon faded while he changed in the locker room. Though the run did require him to get up early, it thankfully replaced much of his previous routine before class, as he was typically ready for first period with a few minutes to spare. He nodded to himself while he finished tying his shoes; _this physical stuff is helping in more ways than one_.

It was the mental and social things that really took up his time. The altering of his body, while positive was after all a gradual process, and one that no one else but him was likely to notice. _Not that anyone at this school notices physical change unless a female sophomore has a new pair of breasts_, he thought, shaking his head. No, it was the other promises he had made to himself, that were of greater importance.

Namely, the first being simply watching and observing what was going at Degrassi more closely. As it turned out, the verbal and quasi-physical abuse displayed at the expense of Paul Keen a month previous, was the tip of the iceberg. Various students from different social groups had all their brief moments of belittling and bullying against others, with displays remorse and regret more often than not being conspicuous by their absence.

It had taken a great deal of effort to resist intervening on their behalf (that he did nothing now for the greater good as opposed to outright cowardice before was an irony not lost on him). He couldn't afford to do anything too early, and risk a possible conflict before he was ready. But the time would come where he would make the needed stand, possible conflict or not.

His first period class had been a bore, as most were nowadays. Most of academia felt mundane to him, hardly vital in light of what was happening outside the classrooms. Worries about grades were not prevalent, he had been earning largely A's before, at worst he'd go down to B's. Toby spent most of his time in class thinking about what he planned to do workout-wise or what was happening to his peers at the hands of Jay and the like.

Emma's performance in class earned more attention from him. She was troubled, that was for certain and her usual passion even in Mr. Simpsons' media class was not what it used to be. Part of him wanted to be the one to get her through this, but he knew that role wasn't for him. Sean may have been gone, but if Emma was going to reveal anything, it would be her parents or possibly Manny, certainly not him. He had faith though; Emma had enough common sense to not do anything too foolish.

Coincidentally enough he saw both her and Manny walking the hallways between first and second period. Miss Manuela was her usual chipper self, but Emma was the same distracted girl she had been for the past few weeks. She turned right at a hallway, while Manny made her way towards him. She flashed a quick smile at him.

"Hey Toby, haven't seen you around lately."

He paused. No one was supposed to notice any changes, at least not his soon. "Oh just keeping myself busy here and there."

"Oh, I know is just weird, I mean I used to see you a lot before and after school, but lately it just seems like you've disappeared lately. What have you been up to?

"Uh, just doing some physical stuff here and there. It's the uh, kind of thing that you know um…" _Damn it Isaacs, you're not that guy anymore, so quit talking like him._ "Its no big deal really, some things I just need to do."

Manny paused. "What do you mean physical stuff? Health stuff or…" she stopped talking and looked at his upper arm, before lightly grabbing it. "Was this always this size?" She then stood back and looked at his frame. "Have you been doing some workout stuff lately?"

He sighed and started eying the hallway behind her. "Look its nothing, just some gym trips here and there and right now I need to get to class." Toby started to walk past her, but she blocked him.

"Why didn't you mention this?"

"I didn't see the point, I'm just doing some things to get in shape, and it's not like its worthy of being on the morning announcements."

She looked into his eyes. "Toby, since practically Rick's funeral you barely said a thing about it and haven't even tried to bring it up. Now you're trying to turn into Mr. Muscleman here and you don't even mentioned that to anybody? What's up?"

He lowered his eyes and took a deep breath. "Manny, just who was I supposed to mention it to. JT, whose too busy hanging out with 13 year olds or writing little songs with Liberty? Emma, somebody so bothered she can't even focus on a quiz, let alone a conversation? Or…" He stopped and looked away.

"Or who?" Manny asked, now mixed with both curiosity and concern.

Toby continued, but not looking at her. "Or you, busy fighting with the likes of Paige and flirting with Spinner?" That last name came out with more than a bit of disdain.

"That's not fair, Toby."

"You know, maybe it's not. But quite frankly, the best I can tell is that everybody else is busy doing his or her own business, and while I appreciate you actually saying something, you seem to think that its 7th grade again and we're all best buddies on the playground, always being there for one another. And I can't see any of that anymore." He started walking around her, hoping to get away.

"Toby, we're still friends. I know we can still help each other. That hasn't changed."

He turned back at her, a forced smile on his face. "Manny trust from someone who knows. Change happens. We can hate it, or try and stop it, but it'll happen regardless. I get that now, and if it that's screwing up things with you, that's not what I wanted. Honest to god though, that guy who thought everybody was genuinely okay and everything was going to be all right, well the truth is, he died the same day Rick did."

After he started walking, Toby was smart enough not to look back and witness the expression on her face.


	8. Chapter 8: Never Tarnished

It was becoming almost too enjoyable at this point.

Toby hit the bag with a hard left hook. The shots from his left side were getting almost as good from his right. He hardly resembled a professional fighter, but this particular form of workout was becoming his favorite. While the various runs, weight lifts, and body exercises, were all doing their part, mentally this proved to be far easier to get into.

The garage was thankfully free of vehicles. Dad and Kate were busy having dinner with Ashley's father and his husband. His stepsister herself, was over at Ellie's, something about playing cards, not that he was paying attention. Breathing hard, he stared at the black punching bag he had found several weeks ago. Its condition was not all that great even before he used, and a half a months worth of hits to it were likely speeding along its eventual end.

He did a minor stretch before grabbing a remote, using it to open the garage door while taking in a quick drink of his bottled water. It was getting near sunset, but he had enough time to some quick runs around the block as well as working on what little homework he had from media literacy. Toby sat down on the front steps of the house, taking in yet another drink. A quick rest wouldn't hurt him.

Various many thoughts traveled through his mind. A refreshing one was the realization that it was getting less and less difficult in doing these workouts. Keeping focus and dealing with the pain/aches were hardly an issue anymore. Thoughts about stopping or slowing down were finally fading. Toby smirked. _If someone told me a year ago that I would look forward to this kind of exercise, I would have considered him a madman. _

Unfortunately, the incident with Manny was hard to forget about. He hadn't meant to hurt her, but she simply didn't understand, not that he expected her to. If they belonged to different worlds even six months before, what he was a part of now was far too removed that what she knew. That was good. Her overly affectionate ways aside, she was a good girl. Certainly she did not live up the slut moniker that he heard lobbied at her by more than a few Degrassi females.

Certain monikers surely fit the likes of Jay and Spinner, though. Toby bit his tongue thinking about the two. They had largely kept low profiles lately though he had seen Spinner chatting with Manny for whatever reason. Their newly shadowed status meant nothing to him. What both had gotten away with before and after the shooting made him bristle, as did what they had done to Rick. Even if no one else was willing to say it, he they had dumped the paint and feathers on him. He lacked proof, but there was no one else who had sufficient motive and history with him.

He couldn't dwell on it though. All he could do was keep an eye on them and on those like them and step in when necessary. What that entailed he didn't know, but regardless he kept himself ready. No one else was willing to inconvenience themselves to actually do anything, but such actions or more accurately lack of actions no longer concerned him.

It was those kinds of deliberations that distracted him so, that he didn't notice a small red car slowing down and eventually stopping in front of his house. Toby looked up when he heard a door slam. Blinking a few times, he stood up and walked towards the figure now coming from the car. Both met in the middle of the front yard. He could have said many things, but only one thing came to mind.

"What are you doing here, Kendra?"

She looked at him with sympathetic eyes, gently framed by dark strands. The short, but cute hair cut that was so familiar to him had grown into long, soft shoulder length mane. Little sister of Spinner no longer seemed an appropriate title as nubile young woman. Her clothes were more feminine, a pale violet blouse hung off her shoulders, with a multicolored ankle length skirt breezing about in the gentle wind.

"I just needed to talk to you before I go."

There was an odd, but slightly stinging feeling in his chest. "What do you mean go? Go where?"

"I'm going home."

"Home… what China? Why would you back to Chi-" he stopped and restarted "home?"

Kendra gave a small toothy smile. "My parents, they want me back home."

He started to shake his head. "Kendra, your mom and dad gave you up for adoption, why would-"

"Toby they put me up for adoption because their political views made them enemies. They wanted to change things, but they were afraid that I would get hurt. That's how I ended up here."

"Yeah, but why would you go back? I mean you have a mom and dad here, you've got… Spinner."

"I know, but things have changed there and they want to see me again. I want to see them."

He took a deep breath. "So that's it. You're just going to leave like that in the middle of the year? I can't believe it." He started walking back to the house.

"I was going to tell you sooner, I swear, but you've completely disappeared. You're never in the hallways for more than a minute, and haven't even seen you outside of Degrassi in two months."

"I've had some things to I've need to do." Toby looked away from her. "And quite frankly I can't see you missing my company."

"What's that mean?"

"Oh come on Kendra. You were dating less than a week after we broke up, and yet you're upset because I didn't' stick around asking how it was going?"

She gave him stern look. "Is that what you think, that because we're not together, we don't have a reason to talk? I still care about you, and I thought you felt the same way about me."

Toby looked her in the eyes. "I do. I never stopped." He rubbed his hand over his face. "But you can't expect me to see you with someone and just be completely okay with it. Just like you can't ask to me to just shrug and wave you goodbye when you say you're leaving for good."

"Its not for good." she said placing a hand on his shoulder. "Starting next year I'll be coming back every summer. I will see you again."

"You mean a hell of a lot to me though. Trust me, you're one of the few people who I can describe as understanding me and actually liking that person."

Kendra let out a small laugh. "I think you're giving your friends too little credit."

He suppressed the urge to correct her. "Yeah maybe. I know we haven't been really talked, and that's more or less my fault, but I am really going to miss you. It's cheesy, but to me you're a beacon of light around here."

She leaned in and wrapped her arms around him. Toby returned the hug, drawing a deep sigh. "You are a good guy, Toby," she said whispering, "don't ever forget that."

Toby couldn't think of anything to say in response.

The two held on for several moments, before finally letting ago. Kendra gave a hopeful expression. "I'll send you an e-mail soon after I get there, okay. I'll see you." She said making her way back to the car.

:"I should be here." Toby said in low voice. He stayed in the same spot on the yard, making a small wave of goodbye as he saw the red vehicle move away. There was a time in which part of him would have gotten far more emotional. Now, there was but one thought left.

He would be a good guy, but in a way that he was glad she wouldn't see.


	9. Chapter 9: Ready or Willing

He could take on anything now.

After two months of training, running, dieting, preparing, etc, he was finally set to deal with anything Degrassi could throw at him. Truth be told, he felt better than ever. Baby fat was burned off, muscles had been tightened, and conditioning was improved. Typically he didn't scrutinize his appearance beyond anything for health reasons, but when looking in the mirror lately he couldn't recognize himself that much.

That was good to know. Hard as it was, he needed to cast off old ways. Old Toby no longer fit anymore. Not in a place with people like Hogart and someone like Hatzilakos in charge. Yeah, she wasn't Raditch, but she couldn't be much different from all the rest of them. She'd probably play it safe, get in the good graces of the school board, and then do coast until something went wrong. No, he would still be on his own.

Thankfully it seemed the people he knew were keen to leave him alone. Some gave him the occasional odd look, and Manny and Liberty seemed a bit concerned, but neither were a problem. The latter two were wrapped up in their own issues with Spinner and JT anyway, so he paid them little mind. Besides which, they would understand what he was doing soon enough.

Not that he was going entirely without notice. For three years he was mocked or ignored when he wanted just a little bit of popularity. Three long years of no one paying attention to him except to make some comment about him being a nerd or asking if he could help them on their homework. It wasn't exactly the kind of high school life one dreamed about, but it was one had accepted over time. It certainly was better than what Rick had to deal with, and he figured that's what he would always deal with.

Of course, because this was Degrassi, he couldn't count on any absolutes. He walked through the hallways, backpack slung on his shoulder. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, but a closer look suggested otherwise. A pair of guys stood next to each other, talking. As he walked by both paused and gave him a quick glance eying him ever so briefly. Toby raised an eyebrow and turned his head forward, doing his best to ignore them.

Yet that wouldn't be the end of it. Getting closer to the cafeteria yet another pair caught his attention. This time it was a pair of girls, a thin petite blond conversing with a slightly plump redhead. Both had their cell phones out, seemingly ready to either exchange numbers or compare pictures. Once again he did his best to pay either little mind, but his ears picked up faint whispers going between them. He couldn't be sure what they said, but it was quick and high pitched.

It was a clichéd reaction, but Toby rolled his eyes. This was getting ludicrous. He didn't know to be exasperated at the shallow nature of everyone around him or the potential distraction they were already creating. The one time he wished for a low profile, or at least to be left alone, and yet he was forced to deal with inquiring minds wishing to add to the local gossip and rumor.

Of course it was something he should have picked up on before. A few teachers had already started to talk to him about some recent assignments and quizzes they felt weren't up to his usual standard. That came as no surprise as he had long stopped caring, but evidentially his apathy towards academics was becoming a concern for more than a few of them.

What nonsense it was. Turning a blind eye to the increasingly poor student relations was fine, but someone slips in their grade point average, well that demanded the utmost attention didn't it? Part of him had hoped that someone, either in the administration or just a simple TA would at least mention something about the eroding atmosphere going on. Yet it was abundantly clear that statistics superceded everything else at this place. They'd let this place go to hell as long test scores were fine.

He was one of the few who seemed to care, which made the latest attention all the more annoying. Interference from a curious onlooker was the last thing he needed, especially as was likely to step up his own activity soon enough. Mentally, he had long been ready. Now physically he was prepared as well. Toby had wanted to step into certain scenarios for some time, and proved to be great relief that soon he would be able to. All he needed was the right situation.

Not that he had stopped taking certain precautions. As he found an empty table, Toby looked down at his almost entirely baggy clothes. Beyond the benefit for exercise, they were useful in shielding his physique. Already he had suspected that his changing body and increase in muscle mass were starting to catch some eyes,

That kind of detection did him no good in keeping a low profile. The same could be set about his current use of contacts, but for whatever reason he couldn't stand the idea of wearing glasses again. Perhaps it reminded him too much of Rick, but either way they were smashed, and would stay that way.

He had taken to bringing his own lunch, which he knew would be far more nutritious than the fast food offerings the school put out every day. He took a drink of his bottled water as he stared at the rest of his meal. If had known that healthy living was a simple as this, he could have avoided the laxative period he went through two years previous. His mind briefly drifted, imagining how different things would have turned out had made the wrestling team. After a few moments he put it aside. That was then, and his only real priority was the present difficulties occurring.

These thoughts, amongst others occupied his mind while sitting in the cafeteria. Had it been any other day with its typical activities he probably would have simply kept sitting and eaten his lunch. Yet the smallest thing caught his eye. Jay was moving (well more like swaggering) towards a table, with Paul Keen sitting right in his path. A dozen different outcomes went through his head. But only one brought an impulse, an instinct he couldn't even explain, to head towards the two.

Sure enough, Jay made his presence known.

"Need the seat Keen." Jay said, already starting to lift Paul's chair off the ground. Paul refused to stand and placed his weight onto the chair.

"I'm sitting here, get another chair." Paul protested, still not leaving the seat.

Jay let out an impatient snort. "Look dipshit, quit being a bitch and just give me the chair." He made another attempt to pick up the chair, but Paul continued to resist.

"Look just leave me alone, alright? Can you just let-"

"Get away from him."

Both Paul and Jay turned their heads towards the source of the demand. Hogart was the first to speak.

"What the hell did you say?"

Toby kept his face forward and clenched his jaw. "I don't need to repeat it. You heard what I said."

Jay stared at him for a moment. With a slight breath he let go of Paul's chair and walked over. While older boy towered over him slightly, Toby never stopped looking him in the eye. Now ignored, Paul quickly shuffled away and pulled his chair back into his table. Jay tilted his head to the side, seemingly amused at Toby's stance.

"So suddenly the geek boy's found his testicles. You got a problem with me Isaacs?" Jay moved his head quickly toward his direction.

Toby didn't flinch. "No problem if you quit acting like a son of a bitch."

A light chuckle came from Jay's mouth. "Well, and here I thought that Rick was the butch and you were the bitch. Guess I had that backwards. But, that doesn't mean shit. What the hell you gonna do, huh? What did you say you were? Weak and feeble? Yeah, that's all you are you stupid little-." Jay shoved Toby's left shoulder back

He quickly swatted his arm down, and moved his face in close. "If you start something Jay, I'll do everything I can to finish it."

Jay quickly licked his upper lip and grabbed a nearby chair without taking his gaze off of Toby. He placed it on the floor and gave it a light tap "Why don't you just take a seat and shut your mouth before you get your ass beat in front of all these people just like your friend Ri-"

Toby grabbed the chair and flung to the side. It landed with a hard crash on to the floor, barely missing a nearby table. Everyone around the two suddenly stood up and stared at them. Multitudes of heads quickly turned to check what all the commotion was about. Out of the corner of his eye Toby detected Ashley and Craig's faces, both looking quite alarmed, but he kept his focus on his target.

For his part, Jay just looked puzzled, if not a bit surprised. His favorite nerdy target actually standing his ground didn't seem to be something he was expecting. Toby could almost see the gears turning his head, trying to figure out what his next move was. He blinked a few times, but said nothing. Toby just continued to glare at him.

"HEY! What's going on here?!" yelled a nearby voice.

The two turned their heads to see who was shouting. It was Miss Kwan, arms folded and face tight. She looked back and forth between the two, before speaking again. "Is there a problem here?"

Rapidly turning to face Jay again, he forced an insincere polite smile. "No problem, just a slight misunderstanding between him and me." Toby moved over the thrown chair, picking and up before sliding into a table. "Somebody almost tripped over it, and uh, I just wanted to get it out of the way."

He studied Kwan's face. She didn't seem convinced, but getting no objection from Jay, she shook her head and gestured to the hallway. "I want some space between both of you… now."

"Fine." Jay said quietly. He turned and walked away, but Toby caught a brief glance of his face, still confused and trying to process everything that occurred.

Assortments of different people in the cafeteria were still gaping at him, but Toby ignored them and gave a conciliatory nod to Kwan as he started towards his table. "No problem, ma'am."

Back at his table, he let a long sigh. That… had felt great. The nerves in his hands and feet were still firing, and he felt some slight goose bumps on his arms. During the initial moments of the confrontation, he had felt the adrenaline start to pump, and while his body had calmed down somewhat already, part of him was still antsy. While he had thankfully avoided a physical confrontation, part of him wished he had something to do with all his energy.

Even still, it was all worth it just to see the smug look of Jay's face disappear. Now he knew, just like everyone else would, that things were not going the same anymore. Finally he had gotten to utilize his own power to change things. He took a quick look around to see if anyone was still looking at him. Sure enough, a few were still giving him the occasional glance, pausing to talk and point him out to those nearby.

Outwardly he kept his calm demeanor, but inside he burst with excitement. Yeah, those people could look all they wished. They weren't staring at some freaky dork. They weren't gawking at the friend of a psycho. They were watching someone who wasn't taking it anymore, the guy who was standing up and actually doing what needed to be done. That's what they saw. That's what Toby Isaacs was.

All those things considered, he thought earned the right to smile just a bit, which he did subtly, his face down to low for anybody to notice. Too reveled in his own newly earned satisfaction, Toby failed to notice the visitor at the table until after he sat down. His smirk quickly faded when he realized who was now there. He eyed him briefly and was about to speak, however he was beaten to the punch.

"Mind telling me what the hell that was about?" asked JT, his face more animated than Toby had seen in a while.

"What?" he said. He had neither the time nor the inclination to explain himself to the likes of JT.

"That whole sudden tough man routine you just pulled back there. What are you thinking?"

He rolled his eyes and didn't look at JT. "I'm thinking that he was acting like asshole and that somebody needed to do something, and since no one else was seemingly jumping at the opportunity, I would."

"Tobes, You can't just get in Jay's face because you're pissed at him. What's the point of it?"

At that remarked he snapped his attention back to his former friend. "Two things. One, its Tobias. Two, the point is that that jackass has gotten away with so much crap, but that one seems to care. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of his attitude, I'm tired of what he's done, and I'm tired of everyone around here giving him a god damned free pass!"

JT threw up his hands, baffled. "And what are you going to do, just beat him down if you think he's done something wrong? How do you plan on pulling that off?"

There was a pause. Toby leaned back in his chair. "I'm not planning to beat or attack anybody unless they do it to me first. I'm not Rick, JT. If I was, I wouldn't have thrown the chair, I would have used it." He went silent for a second. "And as far pulling it off, I've already got that down, not that you'd notice anyway."

For a second, he thought JT looked hurt, but he quickly dismissed that possibility. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Forget it." Toby said. He stood up from the table and threw his half eaten lunch into a nearby trash can. "I have to get ready for class." He turned to walk away but JT lightly gripped his arm and stood next to him.

JT's voice was quiet, almost a whisper. "Look I don't know what's up with you, but I don't think it would kill you to talk about it."

He jerked his arm away from the other boy's hand, and turned to him. "Why do you even care? Tell me something JT, is this sudden show of concern because you're worried, or because the old dorky sidekick seems to be doing great without his cool friend, huh? Are you losing sleep due to distress, or maybe just maybe are you lying awake at night due to the fact that I don't need you anymore."

"Come on Tobes, don't do this." JT said, now shaking his head.

He jammed a finger in his old friend's face. "Don't call me that. Just don't." No words were said by either, before Toby turned around and walked off.

Screw "Tobes" and screw JT. Honestly, Tobias no longer saw the point in either of them.


	10. Quick Note

Hey folks, sorry about the former chapter nine, it was a condensed version I posted accidentally. The one now up is the actual chapter. For those still interested I hope to have part 10 up pretty soon. Thanks, and sorry again.


	11. Chapter 10: Don't Look Now

People were a strange lot.

That was the most frequent observation he could make over the past week. Whether in class, the hallway, or anywhere else many of the students Toby noticed seemed to be watching him with a different eye than what he was used to. He had experienced apathy, willful ignorance, mockery, minor loathing, and immediately after the shooting, hints of fear.

However, none of those things were seemingly occurring. Instead everyone around seemed… curious. There was no other word to describe it. Certain kids would look at him funny. He couldn't even begin to count the number of times there was some random person apparently studying him, who would then stop when he caught them in the act. This had occurred at least three times a day in the past week.

What he couldn't figure out is why this was happening. Briefly he had considered that perhaps his physique was getting some notice, but that wouldn't explain the level of attention. The episode with Hogart certainly brought some attention on him, but Toby couldn't help but feel that wasn't all. Throwing a chair in a cafeteria had turned some heads, but something else was keeping their eyes on him.

While the whole thing didn't matter that much, it was quite weird to deal with. Positive attention he wouldn't mind, negative he could handle, but outright neutral was an odd experience. Part of him wanted to reflect on the entire subject further, but he couldn't afford any distractions. He needed to be on his guard and play it cool especially if the likes of Jay or Spinner would try something.

That seemed easy enough at the moment. Gym had just finished, and he was one of the few still in the locker room. He had taken it upon himself to do a few more laps than necessary. No such thing as too much running these days. As a result, most of the other students were gone by the time he even started changing. The only ones left were him and a pair of sophomores at the other end of the room. The one tall and lanky dressed in a hockey jersey and jeans leaned against a locker, while the other in a polo shirt/ khaki pants combo was tying his shoes on the bench. Both were talking loudly.

"Yeah so I just gotta wait her out until I can actually get something."

"Sucks man. So not even head from her?" the short one replied.

"Christ, I wish. Its ""Hey what's up"", we make out, then she has to go do something. I hope to god I don't have to keep this shit up till prom." The boy ran his hand through his hair and continued. "At the rate this is going I'm not getting my dick sucked till graduation."

Toby snorted softly and shook his head. This was not an atypical conversation.

The other one gave him a slight sympathetic nod. "I fell ya man. Hey if you get desperate enough, little Emma Nelson could help you out." He let out a low chuckle.

Toby stopped moving, and listened close.

"Fuck that," the other replied. "I'm keeping my shit away from her. From what I hear gonorr-Emma Nelson would better name for that slut."

Both boys laughed at the remark. Neither noticed Toby's hands clenching into fists while his head shook.

"Naw, I'll just keep it going with Steph, see how it goes."

"Well good luck man, I gotta go pick up some stuff from my locker. See you in the afternoon?"

"Sure, later dude."

They did a quick personal handshake before the short boy walked off. The one left turned his attention to his locker. He failed to see Toby until he was right next to him. Toby spoke first.

"Hey could you just repeat what you just said?"

The boy turned to look at him, appearing uninterested. "What the hell are you talking about?"

In response Toby gave an innocent nod. "Well my hearing can be a little off and I was just curious as to exactly you guys were talking about."

For his part, the boy simply crossed his arms and stared. "Like what?"

"Oh you know, I heard something about Emma someone or other?"

He shrugged. "Girl's a whore, simple fact."

It took all Toby's effort to only just bite down on his tongue and not do worse. "Yeah, here's the thing, you're not going to refer to her as that again."

There was a pause in the room, before someone finally spoke. "Excuse me?"

"Pretty simple actually." Toby looked him in the eye. "You are to not call her that ever again, or any variation. Not in front of me. Not in front of anyone."

The kid seemed taken aback. "Are you fucking serious? This some kind of joke?"

With that question, Toby lost whatever light edge he had to his voice. "Not at all. Just telling you how it is. Let's just agree to that and we can both be on our ways."

"Look I don't who the hell you think you are, but you sure as hell aren't telling me what to do."

A brief sigh escaped Toby's lips. "I really don't want some kind of a fight. Let's not make any mistakes here."

Evidently he went too far, because the tall leaned in close to Toby's face. "The only mistake was you getting near me. I'll say whatever I want about that bitch, okay. Now get the hell the hell away from me, jackass."

He didn't move. "Take back what you said and I'll be gone."

The boy's eyes narrowed and he took a deep breath. "So that's how it is huh? Alright, you want pull this then you better deal with consequences!" He took a quick punch.

Toby dodged his head quickly and moved slightly back. He landed a quick jab on the boy's stomach. The guy bent over quickly in pain, but quickly recovered and went for another shot at his face. This time, he grabbed kid's wrist, and before the latter knew what was going on, Toby had the arm twisted around the kid's back. With considerable force he shoved the boy's body against locker, arm still bent.

"What the fuck man?" the boy screamed, while struggling to break free.

Toby moved his head near the other one's ear and started talking. "Don't ever use when talking about her, you understand. In fact, she's not even Emma to you. She's Miss Nelson. That's what you get to call her. You understand?"

"You're a psycho, you son of a bitch!"

A loud crack went through the room as Toby used his other hand to pull back and then shove the kid's head into the locker door. "Do… you… understand?" he growled.

If he listened close enough, Toby could hear some desperate sniffles from his current captive. After one last attempt to break free, he spoke. "Alright fine, man. I'll never say anything bad about her, just stop okay? Let me go."

Perhaps he should have simply let the kid go at that point. His point was proven, and the promise was made. But with the adrenaline in his blood, heart racing, and goose bumps all over his body, Toby couldn't resist saying one last remark.

"Sounds good. Oh, quick little thing. If you ever want to try and pull something against me, maybe get you and your good friend, show up, and just take me out… be my guest. Because you know that the god's honest truth is about me, pal?" Toby moved in even closer and dropped his voice to a whisper.

"I've been waiting for a chance to do something about pieces of shit in this place like you. So feel free to give me opening whenever you feel like it."

Even quicker than he started, Toby let go and walked back to his locker. He sat down at the bench and finally finished up changing. His gaze briefly moved to the other side of the room where his former detainee stared at him, silent, eyes still wide, clutching his gym clothes closely. He endured Toby's look only for a moment before he shuffled out of the room awkwardly, still not saying a word.

It was quiet now, and all he could do, was think. That was a mixed success if nothing else. As nice as it was to wipe of the disgusting obnoxious smirk off that asshole's face, it was unfortunate that violence had ensued that fast. Fighting was not what he wanted, even if that moment proved to him that he could defend himself if needed. No, he needed to work on his approach. There had to be a way of making things better around here that didn't have him needing the aggressive approach.

Toby finished changing and headed towards the exit. Almost out of the room, he passed a mirror. He went back and checked out his likeness, making sure to straighten out his long sleeve t-shirt. Going quickly, he darted out into the hallway, doing his best to get out of his head the split second question he had just had when quietly staring at his reflection.

Who is that?


	12. Chapter 11: In Step

What quiet nights he had these days.

The room was silent, save the sound of the heat vent, and the occasional page flip. A nearby bedside lamp provided the only light in the room as he sat on the bed continuing to read as he had been doing for the past few hours. _Paradise Lost_ was proving to be an interesting piece of literature. Yes, it was technically required reading for English class, but still fascinating nonetheless. As distractions go, it served its purpose.

It certainly didn't hurt to have some calm these days. While there were certain things at school he had grown to expect (Jay glaring at him every time they passed each other, for one) other matters were proving to be of some surprise. He was expecting some fallout from the kid he had forcibly restrained days before, but so far nothing. Either he was avoiding him, or waiting for the right time to do something. Toby would prepare himself regardless.

There was a sudden knock at the door. He put down his book and looked up. "Come in." he said, wondering what Dad or Kate wanted.

It turned out to be neither. Toby laid his head back in surprise when Ashley walked in through the door, her eyes downtrodden, shoulders slump. "Hey." She said, some weight in her voice.

"What's going on?" he said, his tone sounding just tad awkward. The two weren't real big on talking to each other, even less after the shooting.

"Not much. Just felt like talking, I guess." She gestured towards the bed. "Uh, can I…"

He sat up quickly. "Oh, um sure, you can uh, just sit here, I'll go over-" Toby got up and walked over to his computer desk, pulling out the office chair to sit on. She positioned herself on his bed. Neither one seemed in a rush to speak, and both shuffled in their spots uncomfortably until Ashley started.

"I guess I just felt like talking to someone, without any drama or weird questions or anything and well, I guess well that kinda just leaves you."

"Oh, alright." Toby said, not entirely certain as to where this was going.

"Its Craig, he, well he…." Ashley sighed. "I don't know what we're doing."

"Uh-uh," he said noncommittally. It was Craig problems. Just the thing he wanted to hear about. This kid was a walking train wreck. "How do you mean exactly?"

"Well sometimes its like we're just perfect together and I can imagine us being together for god knows how long." A warm smile ran across her face, but soon enough faded into a frown. "Other times though, I just wonder what the point is. He can be a lot deal with occasionally and I don't know if it's really worth it all. I know it's selfish, but every once in a while I wonder if it would just be easier if we weren't together. It might be pointless though, I'm not sure what I'd do if even if we were apart."

Huh. Well this certainly was a distraction from his usual affairs. Not the one he was really wishing for, but it was something. Dozens of different responses went through his head, all of which he wondered about, given that he was not the best person to give relationship advice. Nonetheless, Ashley was willing to come to him to talk, and it was only fair that he at least try and tell her something.

"So, basically coming down to sorta good thing with Craig vs. possibly good clean slate without him."

She appeared put off by his blunt tone, but she responded. "Well, yeah, I guess so. Though I don't know what I'd do with a clean slate anyway."

He paused and again considered what she had said. The only response he could think of sounded pretty simplistic in his head, but it was the only one he could imagine her actually considering, if she did at all. For all he knew, she actually wanted was an open ear.

"Ash, I'm really not the guy to tell you how to do things with Craig, but have you ever considered that maybe Degrassi is kind of what you need to get away from?"

Toby already considered himself lucky that she didn't immediately dismiss the idea. She lowered her eyes and sported a slightly confused pout, taking in his question. "What do you mean?"

"Well this place hasn't really been perfect for you over the years. I mean the stuff that's happened with Jimmy, and Paige, Craig, and uh Manny…"

Very quickly he could see Ashley's nose flared after the last name mentioned, and her body went tense just briefly. She said nothing at first, but he could tell she was bothered by the mention of Craig's ex, and probably wasn't thrilled that he brought her up either. She managed to say in a low voice "Yeah, what's your point?"

There was an attempt on his part to give a comfortable smile. Its success was dubious. "Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to get some distance from all that. Not from Craig necessarily, but just from school, and from all the crap you've dealt with. Get away for a while, and come back, I don't know refreshed or something."

Ashley still didn't seem enthusiastic, but wasn't dismissive either. "How exactly would I pull that off anyway? Where would I go?"

This was the time for a more definitive answer, but all Toby could muster was lightly scratching his head and muttering "To be perfectly honest, I didn't think that far ahead." And he hadn't. The entire concept was simply the biggest action he could think that might actually motivate her to do something. While he wasn't keen on breaking anyone up, he had his doubts about what good the relationship was doing for them. As much as he was occupied with his own personal concerns, it did hurt him just a bit to see his stepsister disturbed like she was.

She stared at him for a bit. Surprisingly for Ashley she was doing an effective job at keeping her emotions hidden. Eventually she shrugged and tilted her head. "It's not the worst idea in the world. Still don't know how mom would take it or how to do it, but hey it might be worth a try. Thanks."

He gave her a slight salute. "Hey no problem. It's good to know I can help." It was nice that Toby could actually mean that sentiment these days. Both shared a warm glance at each other, until he noticed that she wasn't actually leaving. Hoping to get her attention he faked a cough.

"Again I'm glad to help out. Do you need anything else?"

At that, she took in a deep breath. That was worrisome. "Actually I was wondering if maybe you needed someone to talk to."

With considerable efforts he managed to avoid exhibiting any alarm on his face. "What would I talk about? Not too much going on." He pointed to the book still on the bed. "Still just reading stuff for class."

For the first time that night, Ashley looked directly in his eyes. "Right and almost fighting Jay in the cafeteria, that's just another part of the day for you?"

Toby did not need this right now. "Look, I'm really not in the mood to talk about this, okay maybe-"

She cut him off quickly. "Listen Toby I have been willing to not bring up anything or ask a bunch of questions about what you've been up to because, you've always done the same for me. I always thought it was cool that we had an understanding. I do my thing, you do yours. That's fine." She stood up from the bed and looked down on him. "But what you've been doing recently, I have to say something."

He put his head down and stared at the floor. "Ashley, do we really have to do this now?"

She continued as if he hadn't said anything. "The working out I can understand. Changing your look a bit? God knows I've been there. Even the fact that you haven't hung out with Emma or Liberty at all recently, maybe you want some time alone, I get it. I do think you could have mentioned some of this me, though."

There was a shrug. "It's like you said. You do your thing. I do mine. It's my own thing right now Ash, I didn't want to bother you with it."

Toby couldn't see the slight frown on her face. "That's nice, but what I don't get is why you're getting in Jay Hogart's face. What are you planning to do?"

That necessitated a strong response. Toby stood up and looked directly at his stepsister, keeping himself calm. "I'm not planning anything. I saw that he was treating some other student like crap so I stepped in. That's all."

"That's all? Right, like this has nothing to do with getting revenge on Jay."

Two things immediately shot through his mind. First was the rage that she had the audacity to suggest that, and second was the worry he didn't hide that anger. Toby blinked a few times as he collected his thoughts. "I'm not after revenge."

Ashley crossed her arms, unconvinced. "You're sure about that?"

Yes! Yes, damn it! He had spent the last two and half months knowing vengeance was pointless. Was it really that hard for people to understand? "I'm sure."

Apparently he wasn't persuading her. She stared at him more and more skeptical of his answers. "And you don't care what happened with Rick, then?"

Alright. This crap would end right now. He moved forward, getting the closest he had all night. "Don't you ever try and assume anything when it comes to Rick. I was there. I saw who he was. I saw what happened to him. I saw what he did. And it's because of all that, that I don't want revenge."

That had managed to penetrate her armor. She was at a slight loss for words, if only briefly, before she responded back. "You don't think he deserves it." It didn't so much a question as a guess.

He relaxed his face and sighed. "There would be no point." He slowly lurched over and crumpled onto his bed. After a beat, Ashley sat next to him, her features softer. Intense interrogation was over for the moment at least. He laid his head against the wall, looking at nothing in particular.

"When he was here, I kept telling him to just not hit back at them. Whatever they did just forget it and move on. If it were three months ago, Toby would have suppressed a sniffle or sob. Now there was no need. "But he didn't. And he would do something to Spinner or Jay, and they would get payback, and it kept going on and on…"

"That must have been hard to watch." Ashley said, her eyes not leaving him.

There was a nod and a small glance to the side away from her. "It was. That's what he did though. You know that the worse thing was? He loathed the fact he couldn't let it go. The more I got to know him, the more I saw the fact he wanted to be normal. To be a normal everyday guy. And yet he couldn't. It was hell for him."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could tell she was growing uncomfortable with his description of Rick as remotely complex. "Toby, he hurt Terri. He shot Jimmy, he almost killed you." She shook her head. "I don't know how you can give him so much pity. Heck, I don't even know why you don't hate him like the rest-"

"He despised himself, Ashley." Toby had to cut her off. While he knew most people would probably never believe him when he talked about Rick, perhaps she could. "Of all the people he wanted to hurt, I can tell you right now he had himself at the top of that list. Yeah, he never said so himself. But if you saw the person I did? I mean, for god's sake he came back to a school that he knew would hate him.

And he never told his mom about what was going on even though she would have done something about it. Its weird, there was a time I thought he was too proud to get real help and just kept coming back for more rather than admit he was screwed. And who knows, that my have been somewhat true, but I swear to you, part of him thought he had it all coming."

Nothing followed for a while. Toby had pondered that memory countless times, but had never actually spoken about any of it. It was unnerving to hear out loud. Thankfully Ashley had kept patient and waited for him to continue.

"So that's why I didn't hate him. Because when you meet somebody who hates himself that much, you don't have the stomach to add on to it."

Considering her feelings on Rick, Toby wouldn't have been stunned if she went on a spiel about how all that didn't matter, and he that was a psycho who never should have come back. None of it would be a surprise. What was however was her hand gently on his shoulder, as well as the compassionate look on her face, one that he had only really ever seen given to Jimmy or Craig. Realizing that he indeed was finished she uttered softly "Earlier you said there would be no point. What did you mean?"

"Ash, I don't want some war with Jay and Spinner. I've seen enough bad cycles in my lifetime already. Payback won't get me anything and I'm not some emotional mess who wants to give into violence at the drop of a hat. We both know where that gets people."

She nodded, but a tinge of confusion rang in her voice. "Then why the stare down in the cafeteria?"

Toby hoped she would understand. "Well I'm tired of people getting away with some much around here. Guys like Jay and Spin, they've walked around and done so much shitty stuff to so many people, and nothing ever happens. Nothing. I won't attack them for kicks, but I'm not letting them get away with what they're doing either. Its justice, that's all it is."

She looked deeply at him, seemingly comprehending, but with a hint of doubt in her eyes. "Do you really think its up do you to give that out?"

He was disappointed at his own hesitation before answering back. "If Hakiastos or someone else can take care of it, I'll make sure that they do. Otherwise…"

"Otherwise you will." Ashley finished for him. Her doubt had been replaced by subtle brushes of disappointment though she did her best to hide them.

"I don't see any other alternative." He shrugged.

There was no response at first. Toby found the wait unbearable. After an eternity words finally came. "Look, if you really think this is something you have to do, I won't make a big deal about it, but, take care of yourself okay. I… we almost lost you once. It took me a while to process that, but I have." She turned her head away.

With all that he had thought about before, it was only then that he realized how bad the shooting must have been for her, and what she had to cope with. Jimmy shot and Toby himself almost dead, all without understanding why. The time spent with Craig, all the attention she gave their relationship, and he had assumed it was just her personality. The same old Ashley throwing herself into it as the drama queen she was.

Not once did he ever consider that dealing with Manning, for all his issues and personal problems, was simply easier for her than thinking about Jimmy or him. With everything that had happened, he knew he couldn't blame her.

"I'm tired of bad things happening to good people Toby. Every year I keep telling myself this will be the good year at Degrassi, and every time some terrible thing keeps happening. This year was the worst, and I don't want it getting worse." Her hand went to brush something on her cheek. Whether it was a tear or not, he couldn't tell, but she finally turned her head back around. "Be careful, alright?"

"I will." He would be. If nothing else he could be that. "Hopefully I'll be spending the rest of the semester just watching out and keeping an eye on things. In fact that's probably what'll end up happening anyway."

"Right," she sighed. "but if you do any big plans, please let me know okay?"

He gave her a reassuring nod. "No problem."

Slightly clumsily, she stood up from the bed. "I have to get to some stuff, talk to you later?"

"Sure."

"Cool." Ashley headed towards his door, pausing to briefly turn back and look at him. They shared and awkward smile and she walked out of the room.

Originally he had thought to get back to _Paradise Lost_. He no longer felt in the mood now, his visions of Milton's poetry replaced with images of his anxious stepsister conveying her own fear. Yet Ashley should have nothing to worry about. He would do his thing and provided Jay and Spinner were reasonable, Toby would finish the semester and Degrassi would be better off. A few things just had to go right, that's all. That wasn't too much to expect.


	13. Chapter 12: Not So Glorious Returns

So, what now?

The question dominated Toby's mind as he walked through the halls. Not that other matters had escaped his thoughts. Jimmy was returning today. Word of mouth had spread and he had heard about it before it was announced officially by the school. While Ashley had done here best not to show how much his return meant to her, he could easily tell how happy... and anxious she was.

Toby frowned as he contemplated Jimmy's long stay in the hospital. While he had always intended to stop by just to say hello, he had held it off time and time again. What factors were at work, he couldn't exactly say. For all his efforts to assuage himself of guilt regarding Jimmy's condition, on some level Toby knew he himself should have prevented the whole event from taking place. Personal naiveté and cowardice kept him from stepping in. And because of that, one life was destroyed, another ended completely.

Yet, it wasn't just guilt that had kept him way. If it had been merely that, he could have stepped up like he had in the past few months and shown up at the hospital. No, there was more at work. Truth be told, it was going to hurt to see someone like that in a wheelchair. Jimmy was the alpha male of Degrassi, but one whom he knew to be a decent guy at heart, one and a good boyfriend to Ashley, during a time in which Toby greatly looked up the cool jock who was willing to play the occasional basketball game.

Now, to witness him reduced to the unfortunate cripple, likely to be treated with pity and reassuring smiles, features Toby himself was quite familiar with, was not just unfortunate, it was unfair. Not simply because it was somebody in their physical prime struck down and then propped up as some kind of hero because of his ability to survive a bullet to the back. That itself was disturbing enough.

The real injustice lied in the fact that he had played no role in Rick's humiliation. He had watched how the two interacted and detected not even a hint of malice by Jimmy. Better still, he had noticed the shocked look on Jimmy's face once the paint and feathers had fallen, a look that had matched his own. There was no way he could have faked the reaction. Jimmy was an athlete, not an actor.

Some combination of Spinner and Jay had pulled the prank; he had no doubt about it. He had no proof, but there was no one else with either the mean streak or willingness to do such a stunt. Deep down he had hoped that the right people; the administration, school board, police, someone would eventually find them out. If just so some kind of justice could be served and everyone could move on.

Eight weeks later and nothing. Rick rested dead in the ground, Jimmy lied crippled, and Jay/Spinner continued walking around Degrassi as if nothing happened. The great consequence of it all was that Hakiastos was now principal. It seemed like a cosmic joke that only he got, the twisted humor of a sadistic god wanting to see how far he could go, by having good people get hurt and having the immoral escape consequences like they were karma Houdinis.

Jay and Spinner had that in spades. In the case of the latter, Manny had even taken to dating him, which had confounded him greatly. Yes, he had doubted the chances of her and JT really lasting as a couple; he was still preferable to the likes of Spinner. With all that had happened between them, he had to believe JT was a fairly good guy underneath all the layers of immaturity and pretensions of cool.

As for Hogart, well even Toby couldn't truly deny what Emma had done with him. He had ignored the rumors, but catching how shamefaced she was, her head turned down when he saw her talking to Manny had given him an answer to that question. Simply thinking about the two of them together turned his stomach. At times he needed to reassure himself he wasn't tasting bile in his throat as it sunk in that Emma of all people had degraded herself for... him.

Of course he had wanted to give them hell. First, yell at them for having the outright gall to get involved with people so reprehensible after all they had done in merely the last few months. Then confront them about the complete idiocy of hooking up with individuals of such blatantly questionable character, regardless of whatever "bad boy" attraction they might have. Finally point out the genuine damage their reputations have taken by associating with people who were at the end of the day simply bastards. Saying it all would be easy enough to do.

He couldn't though. Emma and Manny could be foolhardy and frustrating to watch when they screwed up. However they were his friends, the two girls he had fallen for shortly after meeting them. Emma had been saved from a predator partially through his efforts and after all the incidents with Craig, Toby had always made an effort to tell Manny that he didn't judge her for it. They in turn had been there when JT abandoned him and tried to help him with Kendra when they could.

After that, after all that, there was no way he cast them in the same shadow like he did with so many others. They had made mistakes, but they were human. Toby himself had considered far worse sins prior the shooting, and both had forgiven him for it. Truly, the only fair thing was to do the same thing for them and keep his distance. If they needed saving, he would be there.

He continued to pace around the building. This was the first morning in some time he had chosen to skip his exercise routine. Beyond his general anxiety regarding Jimmy's return, another issue was being rather troublesome. Namely that some of the predicaments at Degrassi were beginning to get harder to find and confront. He had readied himself to deal with a lot of uncomfortable situations in order to achieve the greater good long after he got involved.

That was all well and good, but for all his observation in the last week, he couldn't actually find anything to intervene with. Certain situations looked like they had elements of the kind of student abuse and bullying he had been struggling against, but either resolved themselves, or were simply out of his hands. He wasn't sure if people were noticing that he had been watching or not, but regardless this wasn't this situation he had envisioned months ago. He felt… well not useless, but certainly not as active as he wanted to be.

He should have been pleased (except he wasn't, at least not completely). Perhaps things overall were getting better at Degrassi (but how could they now?). Maybe certain people were actually sensing what had gone wrong at this place, and had changed (without external factors?). He had realized what needed to do to fix himself; it wasn't out of the question that others could have done the same (however what was the likelihood of that?). With enough time including the summer break happening soon everything would turn a corner (and find what?).

Toby had thought that simply the school improving would be enough, god knows it needed some kind of upswing. Yet as he continued to pace down the halls, a nagging feeling continued to weigh on him. How was it fair that all these people just got to learn their lesson and move on? Rick dies, Jimmy gets crippled, Toby watches it all, but then everyone gets to shake hands and play nice months later?

It wasn't just backwards, it was unfair. These people needed a solid kick to the ass just for letting the shooting happen, and he… well maybe he wasn't the guy to do it, but he certainly deserved to watch. Certainly fate couldn't have that much of a problem allowing all the confident, fake smiles disappear, if even for a moment. Truly there would be nothing better than this school took a good long in the mirror and realized it didn't deserve the kind of easy happiness that apparently had taken hold around here.

Before he could continue that line of thought, a wave of dizziness hit him. He dropped his backpack and held the side of his head before stretching out his arm to lean on the wall. Eyes closed, he concentrated counting slowly in his head. When he reached ten, he finally looked around. While no longer dizzy, a small bit of nausea had creeped in. Slowly, he swallowed several times to prevent any vomiting and took a deep breath. He still felt sick, but at least felt capable of moving around okay.

Where the hell did that come from? He hadn't felt anything less than healthy ever since he started his workouts. Dieting had made him feel fuller, muscles were tight, and he was even breathing better. None of it added up. Toby rubbed his temple hard. He didn't need this right now. Facing the crap of Degrassi and surprising queasiness was more than he felt like dealing with right now. It seemed that focusing on the positives around here perhaps was preferable. At least maybe then he wouldn't be getting randomly sick for no apparent reason.

Too lost in his recovery, he failed to notice someone standing to his side.

"Toby, are you okay?"

His ears told him who it was before he even turned around.

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on?" It was likely that his forced smile wasn't convincing anyone.

Manny's concerned frown wasn't going away. "Are you sure? You look a little sick."

Toby waved his hands negatively. "Oh no, no I'm… just feeling a little off today. What's up with you?" He gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder.

She paused while a discomforted smile went across her face. "Uh, well I'm okay. I'm very glad I ran into you. Emma and I are going to be hanging out this weekend, and we really wanted to know if you wanted to come over too."

He blinked several times. "So… you, me, and Emma." Toby said with accompanying hand gestures.

"Well, also Liberty and JT. Have the old gang do something again."

"JT and Liberty are up for this?"

Manny shrugged. "They seemed to be when I talked to them. I mean, we've all kinda done our own thing for a while, so I thought it would be cool to just to get everybody together. So, are you free?" There was a slight anxiousness in her movements; hands shaking ever so slightly. Evidently she wasn't entirely certain about what his answer would be.

Given that, that the best thing would have been to give an immediate straight answer. Unfortunately the only Toby found himself silent for a number of moments before finally answering. "Huh, I think I can go, I can't think of anything else that I can't put off, at least I don't think so…" His mind briefly went to his planned workout those days, but he quickly shook that off.

Evidently his hesitations were more noticeable than he thought given Manny's response. "Toby, if you're not comfortable being around Emma right now, I understa-"

"No!" he yelled far louder than planned. The two of them looked around discomforted. "It's not that at all. I'm just surprised. I wouldn't think Liberty or JT would be so up for hanging out, given everything."

"Liberty and Emma have talked, and they've worked out some things. It took a while, but I think those two will be able to spend some time together without killing each other." Manny said with a hopeful glance.

Toby crossed his arms. "And JT?"

She sighed deeply. "He's stubborn Toby. Oh he made an initial stink about you at first, but we both know him. He'll make some comments at first; within in hour everybody will forget about it. So are you in?"

Of all the responses he could have had, just one actually came to mind.

"Sounds great."

Her face beamed with that same cute smile that had never gone away, even during her "sexy period. "Alright! I was afraid you wouldn't come. I'll let everybody know." She began to turn away.

"Manny."

His old friend stopped and looked back, her brow furrowed in slight concern. "Yeah?"

"How's she doing?" asked Toby, eyes not quite meeting hers.

She was confused at first, but quickly made a small nod when she realized whom he meant. "Good days and bad days. She's strong, she just needs some time. I do think this will really help her."

"Right." Toby said, still looking at the floor.

Manny's feet shuffled as she began slowly walking backwards. "Look, I have to get to class, but I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

For reasons he couldn't understand, Toby looked up and gave a light salute. "To the weekend."

She repeated his gesture with a sly grin. "To the weekend."

Before she was even out of his sight, Toby had started pondering the implications of this upcoming… interaction. On the surface, there was certainly nothing inherently wrong with spending some time with friends, but this was hardly 7th grade anymore. It wasn't as if they could all just go the play ground again and act like it was old times. He had made that exact point to Manny about the futility of fighting change, no matter how hard you tried.

He still believed that, but as much as he hated to admit it, the prospect of hanging out with Emma, Manny, Liberty, and even JT did sound sorely tempting, especially given how much little ground he was currently making in his undertaking at Degrassi. After all, he had spent a long stretch on work, and in all fairness probably had earned some play time for himself. What better way to spend it than with a (likely awkward) reunion with old friends?

Toby picked up his backpack from the floor and starting heading towards his classroom. It would be nice to not keep an eye on things like he had been. Just one more day to deal with, then he could relax a bit. Besides if recent events were any indication, the rest of the week was looking to be pretty quiet.


	14. Update News

Hey folks, just wanted to say to all those still reading and/or waiting, thank you very much for taking an interest in my story. As for an update, I should have a new chapter up very soon, and am hoping to get more up on a regular schedule, and should hopefully have the whole thing finished soon enough. Any feedback/reviews are most appreciated, and I hope to have a sequel or a new story started soon as well. Thanks again, and I hope you keep enjoying this little drama with old Toby.


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